A Different Perspective

I cannot even begin to tell you guys how much I love reading your posts about the joys and heartbreaks of child rearing. Why? Because I am officially done with all that and don't need to worry my pretty little head with trying to find solutions to what seems like insurmountable problems.

In the course of one week my younger daughter scratched the new car with a rock to see what was under the blue, peeled away the wallpaper to see what was underneath and drew a dragon with a sharpie on the new floor tile. I wrung my hands and lost countless hours of sleep worrying that she had a serious destructive streak that would ruin her life forever. I figured it was only a matter of time before she was locked up. I considered therapy. I considered spanking (a big deal in our house). I considered having to watch over her till I died. She was all of four years old. And you know what, she grew out of it all on her own. Which isn't to say she didn't provide further sleepless nights or hand wringing. In fact, she still does worry me somewhat at 27. But the one lesson I've learned is not to sweat the small stuff. Sounds so simple, doesn't it. She's a fine young woman who is leading her own life. It's not the life I would have chosen for her, but it also is not my happy that she is pursuing.

Who knows if she would have turned out as well if I hadn't spent so much time worrying and trying to correct what I perceived to be faults. I do know that when she was fourteen and really giving me a hard time that backing off was the smartest thing I ever did as a parent. We were having one of our endless arguments as to why she didn't bring a certain book home so she could do her homework and I was screaming like a mad woman and asking "Why do you do these things?" She got the most unhappy look on her face and replied "I don't know." When I saw just how grieved she was I realized, in a flash, that I wasn't making anything better by constantly harping on what a terrible person she was for not doing her homework or keeping her room clean. I believe that backing off from that point on is what has allowed us to be great friends now. Further, we both realize that forgetting to take out the garbage is not a major personality flaw and doesn't mean one is a terrible person. Nor is it a deliberate passive aggressive act of rebellion. Sometimes forgetting to take out garbage just means one forgot to take out the garbage.

One of our pediatricians told me that by the time a kid is twelve, a parent's work is essentially done. They are who they are, and no matter how hard you try, you're not gonna be able to change that. I laughed it off and totally discounted it at the time. Now, however, I can see that he was more right than wrong. In fact, I would go further. I saw personality traits in both my kids almost from the day they were born. Learning to accept these traits instead of trying to change them was possibly the most important lesson I learned. Sure, you can tweak around the edges, but if you are a loving parent, providing a safe and warm place for your child to grow and learn, you're doing your job well. And don't sweat the small stuff.